Sports

Justify Wins Triple Crown, Which Means He’s Gonna Have A Ton Of Sex Apparently (I’m Serious)

I’m not even trying to be funny.  This horse is about to have a ton of sex.  I’m talking multiple times a day, which is 100% more than the average married person.  Like a year ago,  Sporting News wrote an article about how American Pharaoh was having sex three times day and getting paid for it.   First of all … isn’t that shit illegal?  I digress…

American Pharoah has begun living the fantasy life of a blossoming male teenager. He lives and roams luxuriously. He eats and sleeps a ton. And he’ll have sex up to three times a day. – Sporting News

From what I read in the article, American Pharaoh doesn’t even do foreplay.  He’s basically a machine that can’t turn off the competitive nature even in retirement.  I guess the same goes for his libido.  What a fucking stallion! (pun intended).  So you win the Triple Crown and all that’s left to do is let out all that teenage angst?  Maybe we should have wished to be horses than humans? Not to mention, he’s making like $30 Million a year doing it and lives in a sweet barn instead of an overpriced New York City apartment. That’s like being one of those 23 year old Silicon Valley CEOs that dropped out of college, created an app and sold it to Facebook for a gazillion dollars.  That’s American Pharoah.  The American Dream like Dusty f’n Rhodes!

After today’s historic win, it’s now Justify’s time to reap the benefits of being the most coveted horse in the game from a breeding standpoint.  He probably doesn’t even care he won the Triple Crown.  He probably was like, man, trying to spit game in the stable is hard nowadays.  I need to win some races to jumpstart this shit.  It’s like being a single person using a dating app.  Everyone’s got a profile.  Everyone’s got their best angled picture.  It’s tough out there and that’s how you know that Justify is a legit champion.  He grabbed the Belmont by the balls so he could get grabbed by the balls.  It’s as simple as that.  In fact, now that I think about it, I’m not surprised at all, makes total fucking sense why this colt won.

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