BRANDING Culture LIFESTYLE

Beating a man Over Stale Cap’n Crunch is BADFORBRAND, but not how you’d think

capn crunch

Original Story on These Savages

An Alabama man allegedly beat his roommate after discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale, police report.

Duane Barry Smith, 52, was arrested Friday for domestic violence following a confrontation with the man he shares a residence in Moundville, a town outside Tuscaloosa.

According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap’n Crunch fresh. Smith was especially perturbed since he is missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal.

At one point, Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so that he could experience how hard it was to consume the Cap’n Crunch. When the man refused, Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord.

So I stumbled upon this, albeit older gem of a tale this morning. Lemme start by saying that I am a HUGE cereal guy. Big time. I could make Jerry Seinfeld blush with the amount of cereal i can throw down in a given sitting. Gimme a rainy Sunday morning with a mixing bowl full of Frosted Flakes with bananas & strawberries in it and some WWE Network and I’m the happiest loser on God’s green earth. Right up there with morning head & a wake n bake as the best ways to start the day. If you can combine these things then buddy, you are LIVING THE DREAM.

That being said, I totally get this man’s anger over the stale cereal. Heck, I even love that he went full New Jack and broke out the extension cord to serve justice here, but there’s an issue here. a simple one that would have made Duane a rockstar instead of a felon.

Cap’n Crunch is notoriously tough to eat, full set of chompers or not. Shit feels like you’re trying to chew up legos. It’s borderline torture. They probably make prisoners at Gitmo eat nothing but the Cap’n til they crack. This is why Duane, who obviously understands hardcore wrestling due to his cord usage, needed to drop this fucker right onto a pile of Cap’n Crunch. Just like this sick bastard did at the Tournament of Death a couple of years ago in this clip.

You see this sick bastard?!? double underhook powerbomb onto a pile of legos. If Duane does that with the Cap’n, he’s a legend and the cops probably let him slide. Instead, he’s just another guy who couldn’t deal with stale cereal, and that’s Bad For Brand.

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