We have lost the gyms, guys. The pussification of the American churches for muscle started years ago when places started advocating for lunk alarms and no dropping weights. Today’s gyms are supposed to be safe zones for snowflakes who don’t want you to look at them while they use the elliptical incorrectly.
“Don’t look at me while I do crunches but I am actually flopping up and down like a fish trying to get back to water on this yoga mat. Look away or I will file a complaint!”
“No grunting! It’s offensive and makes me feels insecure!”
You may be triggered at this point: go do your Pilates. Well, how about moving away from the Fisher Price weights over to the real machinery? And I’m not talking about using a Nautilus machine or some other bullshit “lift” apparatus. I am talking the callous inducing, vein popping iron. While SOME of us are trying to get our pumps in and actually make gains, we see a LOT of amateur hour shenanigans happening around us that typically make the workout a visual nightmare, and I ain’t talking about your man leggings.
1. The Collectors
You really want to use both 65’s but one of them is missing and in the stockpile of a skinny fat dude with gloves and armbands doing empty-handed practice lift motions and breathing heavily like he’s about to deadlift an SUV. Then you actually never see the dude do any kind of exercise with the 65 other than use it as a barrier for his Minnow weights. You look and have the physique of Gollum needing The Ring to himself. This guy clings to all the weights so he can shorten his time at the gym, ensuring he gets every one of his shit effort reps in before running off to Five Guys, the restaurant or actual dudes. You belong on an episode of Hoarders where I kick the door in and take all the weights you’re buried in while looking like Grade A slob dink and shame you into oblivion.
2. The Talkers
If you’re smacking your lips and working out your jaw more than any other body part, go pound sand. If you see a friend, you may think they want to talk to you. But NEWSFLASH… they don’t. They want you to either use the bench and/or weights you have, OR GET THE FUCK ON YOUR WAY, JUNIOR. There are no friends at the gym except when someone spots you but ALL BETS ARE OFF.
3. The Shower Freaks
Whether you bring a whole shower kit, or you wear sandals, or you wear underwear into or during the shower, grow the fuck up. Unless you have something severely terrible IE STDs or basically rotting right off, no one cares if you have a baby dick. Well, actually if your co-workers are there, it probably means you are hitting your ceiling on the corporate ladder and should probably jump out the window.
4. The Pretender
You spend a quarter of your time stretching and by stretching, I mean leaning side to side, bending, flexing, doing weird movements with your arms while you stare at women on the treadmills and stairmasters. Then next you finally do what you came for. You go and sit in the sauna for 45 minutes. Congrats, you have the workout routine of a 75 year old man with a double hip replacement, arthritis and a catheter in his pee hole.
5. The Hopper
Can also be a Pretender. You start to sweat but only because you’re nervous about someone jumping on an empty machine and you have no clue what you’re doing on the current bench or actually you don’t even know what a rep or set is. You’re just happy to be here and you think if you touch enough weights, benches and machines it’s like a game of capture the flag. “Mine, nope that’s mine too, oh yeah and that one I still have a little more.”
6. The Casual Dude
There is no being in existence that fills me with more rage than the guy or girl that literally walks off the street, through the doors, in jeans, boots, a button down using a treadmill to walk. So you were done walking outside which is both limitless and free and just decided nah, I want to be in one place inside? Please walk back outside and directly into oncoming traffic. You also don’t have claim to ANYTHING in the gym. Next time I see someone doing that, I am just going to let the gym manager know you’re there to peep on the women’s locker room and expose your weasel. Also 10 out of 10 times, if you work out in street clothes, you literally STINK.
7. The Old Dude Who Is Very Comfortable With Himself
They like to walk around the locker room, free. Hell, they are just a handful of years away from living six feet under so I get it. But you don’t need to put one leg up on the bench next to the lockers telling stories of yesteryear as your testicles hang like bocce balls in tube socks. No thank you, sir.
8. You Take Classes At The Gym
Whether it’s called Blaster, Power, Crunch…I hope you left your Man Card at the door when you checked in as well. “But I take Yoga to check out the women.” You have a computer with internet, GTFO.
9. Beverage Boy
You’re drinking soda. You’re drinking coffee that is 60% milk and sugar…which IS NOT COFFEE. Looks like you went to Dairy Queen not Dunkins. Black or die. Or you carry around a gallon of water and maybe sip one ounce the entire time you’re there. Unless it’s god damn C4 or some other liquid electrocuting your amino acid intake, you are doing too much that doesn’t include actual lifting.
10. You Only Do One Type of Lift
I went to college with a kid that only worked arms…every day. That’s a problem. You don’t want to look like you’re smuggling humping guinea pigs under your sleeves or fucking pot roasts. That’s a recipe for disaster or you’re going to be an internet sensation for all the wrong reasons.
11. The Corrector
The dude that has as much definition as a black and white antenna television set approaches you to tell you you’re curling wrong or you’re using the lat pulldown wrong. Hold them up with the hand. Look him up and down then pump your bicep in his face and say “GET BENT!”
12. The Selfie Mirror people
No. Just don’t. If we see you doing this, we will bash your head in to the mirror and throw your phone to the moon.
13. The Screamer
You sound like you’re taking it from behind like Andy Dufresne in a Maine prison boiler room. You lifted 135, congrats.
14. The Creep
The only exercises you seem to be doing are working the muscles in your frighteningly large eyeballs fixating on butts and boobs, going back in forth as you breathe heavily using a thigh master and smiling. Everyone can see you have gone from six to midnight. If Craigslist was a person, you would be it.
15. The You Have NO Clue what you’re doing guy
You know who you are. You don’t hang upside down on the chest fly and you don’t use your legs on the preacher’s curl.
Quick shout out on what’s GOOD for brand? Free Weight Industries. BIG SHOUT OUT for them on sending some merch our way. Love the designs, hats and Ts. Check them out on Instagram at freeweight_industries! One of their biggest fans, Jake Webb, will be featured on an upcoming blog about Good for Brand Gym guys.