Dallas, TX– A 25-year-old Sidney Bouvier Gilstrap-Portley was arrested on Friday after he allegedly posed as a high school student so he could play basketball.
So a couple things here off the bat…this guy is 25 posing as a FRESHMAN. I’m sorry man but at least aim for junior/senior. You’re sending red flags off all over the place. Just ASKING for attention. This man looks at least 20 not sure how this shit even happens. It’s not like they caught him one game in….they just caught him in 2018. Me, however, I could pull it off I look 17 no one would ever suspect it. I am carded at every Rated R movie and definitely every bar or within 500 yards of any alcoholic beverage. I once had undercover cops approach me from 200 feet away when my wife handed me a beer at Mohegan Sun. It was unreal and we all had a good, hearty laugh that I was really 28 at the time. “Do you even have pubes?” said the cop, maybe.
Sure the high school may say “Holy fuck, where did the corn eating blonde headed fuck come from? 6’2” 250 pounds?!? CHRIST! BUT, he does have the face of a cherub baby bear cub. He looks like Biff from Back To The Future if he ate Biff from the past.” I mean something like that. I could definitely enroll in a high school and play football right now and DOMINATE. But probably also need 12 hours of sleep, Advil and ice every night at 31. Don’t let the spry spring chicken physique and toddler face fool you. My body feels like Jello and rust.
Good ol’ Rashun just wanted to play ball. Go to the park man. Go to the gym, the Y, just did you need to pull a Never Been Kissed and return to high school like David Arquette? Yeah, damn right I saw that movie! Then come to find out Rashun started to love it, forget he was already a quarter of a century old and started balling like Allen Iverson in the early 00s. Got voted offensive player of the year. EFF YEAH! Started averaging 34 points and 15 rebounds. HELL YEAH! Faced the #1 team in the nation and scored 40 in 3 quarters…okay, okay slow up. Dude, what are you doing? You need to start off SLOWLY. Hustle a bit. Turn the ball over a bit, miss some shots. You just don’t dial it up to Kobe Day 1. You play like a role player hit some 3’s, stay quiet. Then sophomore year a bit better and then junior and senior year go off like Lebron on the Raptors. Shame, shame. At least the kid dropped his four names and went with just the ol’ first and last. Only smart thing he did, I guess.
You almost had them Rashun. You genius mastermind. I guarantee it was a parent of a kid on a rival team that stayed up for weeks connecting the dots, pulling the birth certificates and background, trying to figure out where this kid came from and who he really was. Or someone just realized his SSN was wrong.