I Just Got LASIK Eye Surgery – Here’s How It Goes Down … For Real.

Wow.  This font is so big!  So yesterday I had LASIK Surgery on my eyes.  It was long overdue and something I’ve been contemplating getting done for a long time.   Let me get it out of the way and say that LASIK is definitely good for the eye brand.  Having to deal with glasses and contact lenses fucking sucks.  There’s nothing enjoyable about it, unless of course wearing glasses is part of your signature look.  If that’s the case, that’s fine, but I’ll just assume you’re not an athlete or of any alpha mentality (unless you’re rich and work in Ad Tech of course).

On the topic of contacts, it’s my opinion that unless you’re trying to look like The Night King or Sub Zero for Halloween, contacts can kick rocks.  Always acting up.  They make you more tired than you actually are and you need to bring like a starter kit for eyesight whenever you travel … eye drops, contact case, solution, extra set of contacts etc…  Fuckin brutal.

At this current moment, I find myself here this morning, with 20/20 vision.  If I had to describe it I’d say my vision is more the Michael Jackson “BAD” than the New York Mets “bad”.  It’s so bad it’s good right now.  Damn near perfect with some slight side effects.  Anyway, the real purpose of this blog is to give a normal person’s perspective on what ACTUALLY happens during LASIK surgery and the overall process.   Don’t believe those assholes who tell you “it’s just 5 minutes and I’m seeing perfectly.” …  Those people are dickheads and not giving the full scope of what goes down.  Here’s the real deal …

Before anything, you need a consultation.  My advice is to go within Network or some place that doesn’t require a referral from your personal Doctor.  Referrals are a pain in the ass.  As for choosing your place for the surgery, find a Doctor that’s worked on someone you know and go to that dude.  That’s the referral that counts.

At my appointment, I found out I was a candidate in about and hour and scheduled my appointment that afternoon.  Basically you have two choices if you’re a candidate.  If your cornea is thick enough, you can get the alpha version of the surgery, which is LASIK.  During LASIK, they actually cut the cornea and then do laser.  The other option is PRK, which is just straight laser.   PRK is technically safer, but the recover time is like a month long.  FUCK THAT SHIT ….  So those are your two choices.  My advice is that if you have the option, get LASIK.  It’s also cooler to say and people don’t get confused when you tell them.   Also good to know is that if you’ve been wearing contacts in the last few days, you’re gonna have to wait about 2 weeks before the surgery, which means you’ll have to rock glasses for two weeks.  As is, I had to play softball with my glasses because of this and I under performed.  It was embarrassing and not a true indication of my effectiveness as an athlete.

Now, the day of the surgery, you’re going to have go into the office early and run through more tests befor they strap you in.  This is actually about an hour to and hour and a half longer than the actual surgery.   They’ll put you in 10 different rooms, perform 10 difference tests and of course, get you to pay for your surgery.  All expected, but here’s the catch.  NO PHONES.  You’re not allowed to look at your phone once you get in there because they don’t want your eye sight compromised or adjusted.  So basically, turn that shit on silent, answer all your emails and leave it to God.

Once those tests are done, you’ll put on your little surgery shoes cover and hair net and the surgery begins.  You’re gonna get strapped in like you’re Michael Clark Duncan in The Green Mile.  They’re gonna put all this shit on your face, including about 10 gallons of eye numbing drops.  I hated this because it’s all about maintaining the direction of your eye – “look straight up, DON’T LOOK DOWN”. This actually freaked me out, although I did no-sell it because that’s what a bad dude’s does.  You man up and flex the best you can.  In fact, I actually got complimented on how poised I was, which is probably just a product of being married and just being numb to getting yelled at.  #LoveMyWife.

Then the fun begins …

My advice is to take some major deep breaths.  Seriously, don’t forget to breath.  Bring your heart rate down, because what they do is clamp these fucking clamps over your face, all of which you can kinda see from your eye line.  Then you hear a few commands from the Doctor, which I assume was him cutting my Cornea.  This feels like the same pressure you feel when you push on your eye WITHOUT your contact in.  It doesn’t last that long, but it’s awkward as fuck.  Once that’s over, easy does it.  All you need to do is stare at this blinking light, in which you have no idea if it’s a focal point or the actual fucking laser.  Honestly, it’s truly remarkable.  That’s done to both eyes and then before you know it your standing up and your eyes feel like someone just rubbed salt in them.   The procedure is over, but now you head into post op.

In post op the Doctor will let you know everything went great!  Then, his assistant will go over the next couple days and how to treat your eyes, BUT before you leave they administrate eye drops to your eyes.  One was a steroid and the other I don’t know.  They both burn like all eye because your eyes just got sliced and diced.  After that, they give you Helen Keller glasses and you’re good to go home with arranged driving.  YOU CANNOT DRIVE YOURSELF.  Like seriously, it’s not a choice, I couldn’t fucking look up into any light it was so bad.

From there, and this is where I’m gonna be honest with you, if you got LASIK done, it’s pure misery for about 8-10 hours.  Driving home the light will fuck with your eyes. It’ll feel like someone took sand and hot sauce and shoved it between your eye lids.  It’s fucking brutal.  You definitely want someone with you.  I didn’t, because the people who I spoke to were lying sacks of shit.  My advice is to be with someone, get home ASAP, put in those eye drops again and PASS THE FUCK OUT.   They gave me sleeping pills, which I took, but I’m a caffeine addict and those bitches had ZERO effect.  I’m like a fucking elephant.  You’re gonna need something stronger, pal.  I got Dunkin, Starbucks and Pre-Workout running through my veins 24/7.

Honestly, sleep is key, because when you wake up it legit is a brand new world.  I can see everything right now.  My eyes are a bit sore and I have some maintenance to do, but other than that it was totally worth it.  The one thing that sucks is that you CANNOT rub your eyes.  That’s a big no-no.  You need to concentrate and remember not to do it, but honestly, if you can get by the first night, you’ll probably just will yourself to remembering.  If you really can’t, just wear sunglasses everywhere you go as a reminder.

So that’s about it.  There really is nothing to be worried about.  It’s really just about 8-10 hours of a good amount of discomfort.  If you’re not a total bitch, you’ll be alright.  Also, I doubted whether or not the pain would ever go away … and it did.  It’s so worth it.  See you, literally, on the other side.

Bon Voyage, bro.



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